Withering Tights By Kate Newman

Ouch! That really hurt! It’s not fair this always happens to me. Stop laughing… I mean it… just stop laughing . Look if you don’t stop laughing I’m going to make you disappear. You know why? because your nothing, your nothing without me. Because I’am a princess. All I have to do is click my magic fingers and you won’t be laughing then. No, no it’s ok. I can manage thank you. It’s just these silly dresses you keep buying me. They’re too small and I keep tripping up on them. And…. I’m up. There. Told you I didn’t need your help. You may now smile. Yeah I know I’m pretty, so pretty. The prettiest princess in the land. Ok you can stop smiling now… seriously its getting creepy.

Oh…who are you? WHO DARES DISTURB MY KINGDOM?! Bow before your princess… It’s very rude you know to ignore a princess. Hey?! Are you copying me? Stop it. Stop it… How immature. Well… how sweet, look at you trying to be a princess. Except you’ll never be a princess. Your fat… and princess’s are never fat. They’d squish they’re prince charming’s. Perhaps you could go for one of Snow White’s dwarfs. There are seven of them… plus your about the right height. I hear Dopey is pretty desperate. Haha Dopey and Plumpy… how cute. Hey!! you’ve got pink legs! Why have you got pink legs? Only princess’s are allowed to have pink legs. I’ll have you know, pink is a privilege and one you haven’t earned so come on… hand them over…I mean it. Fine. I’ll do it. (Takes off pink tights) And to make sure you never try being a princess again… (Rips up the tights) Good luck with Dopey.

Are you guys still smiling? Hello? I am ready for bed now!

I don’t think I’m a princess anymore.

Today I have had a revelation! I am having a Dominoes song. The song will be to the tune of Let it Go from Frozen! I am very pleased with the outcome of this fusion…

 

My stomach’s empty from all this exercise, Not a morsel to be seen.

A cupboard of isolation, which is looking pretty lean,

My mind is whirling and I just cannot decide.

Should I have salad or something fried.

The number’s dialled it’s time to eat, gonna grab myself a tasty treat.

Conceal no meal, so I might go… to Dominoes.

Dominoes, Dominoes.

I really love Dominoes.

Dominoes, Dominoes.

My bank balance just shows.

I don’t care, what the scales will say.

Let the pounds pile on.

I’s rather be fat and happy any day.

I have begun to write the monologues. This is the crucial part. I must write right. I must be able to convey the right tone and not be too liberal with hitting the audience on the head with *THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT WOMEN AND BODY IMAGE LOOK HOW WRONG IT IS TO BE JUDGED.* It needs to be far more subtle and accessible to anyone who comes to watch. So far I have written three versions of a monologue for the second character. Currently I am favouring the second version as I believe that to be the funniest. That is what the second section needs to be.

Version 1 

Intro music: Gold Dust, DJ Fresh.

Ok everybody are we ready to exercise? I can’t hear you. You gotta want it. You’ve got to own it. Are you ready to exercise? It’s gonna be a lot of work, sweat and pain, and nothing but lettuce leaves for you hearty girls… but are you ready? You may only be a size 8 but when you look in the mirror see Kerry Katona pregnant with all her children all at once… Kate are you listening?

-Yeah

Iam here to help. Ok now we’ve warmed up, you need to pick yourselves a power song. It could be the song you always listen to before you go on stage, because it gets you pumped.

(Music: I Can, Blue)

It could be a song that makes you feel like a pop star and at the age of 21 you still sing into your hairbrush before going to Superbull on a friday night.

(Music: Heartbreaker, Pat Benetar)

It could be the song you lost your virginity to when you were 17 in the back of a Fiat Punto Sport Series…

(Music: Bounce, Calvin Harris)

It could be the best song ever created by the most beautiful and inspirational woman in the world.

(Music: Wuthering Heights, Kate Bush)

Kate I thought I told no Kate Bush. Her screeching does not burn off calories. Why don’t you listen to the song you always work out to. You know the one where you imagine yourself in a music video…

(Music: On a Mission, Gabriella Cilmi)

 

Version 2 

Hi honey, Im home. Did you miss me? I missed you… I haven’t stopped thinking about you… you know… I’ve had a really busy day and I haven’t even broken a sweat… I was saving it all for you. Yeah I got some new pants… I got them just for you… they’re black… stretchy…waterproof… 100% Viscose. Do you wanna feel them? Yeah? Ooo does that feel good? Imagine how they would feel if I straddled you… Oh yeah that good… Let me just get some protection (Puts on fitness gloves) Are you ready baby?… Ooo I love it when you talk healthy to me… Lets go.

(Music: Physical, Olivia Newton John)

Is that it? Are we done already? Wow that was fast. No no no honey it was fantastic… I fancied a quickie anyway. Look I’m going to hit the shower, ok? I’ll see you later… I’m so glad to have you in my life.

(DOMINOES SKETCH – which consists of eating a dominoes in a very sexual manner)

Wait!! Look its not what you think… I can explain… It didn’t mean anything… I’m sorry please take me back… make me feel good again!!!

 

Version 3 

Hi I’m home, nice to see you too. Yeah new pants, don’t worry I’m not seeing Gym again… they’re just comfy you know. Nothing, its nothing, just something from Dom. What’s that supposed to mean. Just stop, there is nothing going on. Really?! I see him what once, twice a week. I wouldn’t call that excessive. How dare you, I tried to make us work ok. You were the one who wanted me to change… guess it didn’t work. Look I can’t deny we’ve had some good times together. I mean I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel as good as you have. But it’s becoming too difficult. I think we should start seeing other people. I don’t want to give up on us either but we hardly see each other anymore. I mean when was the last time we did it… Look all I’m saying is maybe we should start thinking about it ok? Ok I’m going to make some food…

(DOMINOES SKETCH)

Oh my God… I’m pregnant. Dom, its you. Your the father. I’m sorry this isn’t right. I feel sick. I thought this would make me feel good but I just feel ashamed. I knew I shouldn’t have given up on him. I’m sorry but this was a terrible mistake and will never happen again.

Hi… yes, I’ve done it again… I need your help please. Please help me get rid of it. No It’s not McDonald this time. I Lied it was Dom. Please give me another chance. I will never give up on us again. Please make me feel good.

The show should be a simple movement of moving from stage left to stage right. It is symbolic of a catwalk of life. It should be in chronological order, as is life. It is a continuous monologue with three joined up characters. The appear physically different (different tights to represent different ages) but the monologues should not change too much in terms of characterisation. Vocally there should be one voice, my voice. Any vocal expression to show character should be subtle. The far left there is a mirror, the first stage. It should represent the mirror stage (Lacan) of a toddler looking in the mirror for the first time and not recognising itself. This part of the show should be directed into the mirror in the mind of a child. The mirror should be tilted for the audience to see the reflection. The monologue should be truthful in depth opinion and criticism of myself. I should be dressed as a princess or a ballerina. I should transition from the first set up to the next by moving along the catwalk of light and changing outfits, to get to centre stage where there will be an exercise bike. I will have transformed into some 80’s fitness outfit, the following monologue should be about music and fitness and my relationship with the exercise bike and how I am often tempted. The next transition will find me at a the sofa where I will have changed into the old lady. The monologue should begin stereotypically (about old lady things: humbugs, lavender, cold cream) but should end with a story about bird watching, specifically about an old blue tit that keeps coming back to feed. The reverse metaphor of a bird that flies away (the symbol of youth). The end should be that she is reading Bronté’s Wuthering Heights.

So previously I decided to make my piece more about music and how certain songs are personal to me. I want to incorporate this but I have decided to keep to my original idea and make the show more about the women and their narrative. To incorporate music I want to use personal songs for the transitions between characters. After working so hard on learning the dance to Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights, it seems a shame to waste the work just because my idea has changed and actually, performing the dance at the start of the piece as a pre-set works well. I can use this to create and atmosphere and lull the audience into a sense the piece will be very dance and live performance based, and then snap into a narrative driven monologue. Wuthering Heights is personal to me as it was the first song by Kate Bush that I ever listened to, to also inspired me to read the novel by Emily Bronté, which became one of my all time favourite novels.

The next song I want to incorporate is That’s All by Genesis, again the powerful voice of 80’s music supplied by Phil Collins instantly resonates with me. Not only that but the song is about a relationship that keeps going wrong. This message is perfect for setting up the scene where I personify a relationship with an exercise bike and a Dominoes pizza.

Whilst this second scene takes place, I want to make use of the typical song used to symbolise exercise, that is Physical by Olivia Newton John. This will play when I change into my costume for the second set up and begin working out on the exercise bike. Also in this section I would quite like to use the song Let it Go from Frozen, but change the lyrics to fit the internal struggle of choosing exercise or takeaway.

The transition between the second monologue and the third will feature the song Smile by Nat King Cole. This used to be my Nanna’s favourite song, and instantly reminds me of her. The orchestral sound of the song seems very old fashioned and connotes of something ending. The song is quite slow and sounds sad and thus creates the same atmosphere for the audience. As the second monologue will hopefully be very comical, this song is imperative in calming the piece down and giving it a more melancholy feel.

The final song I will use to close the show will be Your So Vain by Carly Simon. This song is personal to me as it is both my Dad and I’s favourite song. I have many memories of long car journey’s listening to this song. It has the perfect ending message for the audience to take away. Why are vain? Why are we all obsessed with the way we look. If anything this song is the real message of the piece.